Titan Nerd's Anime Quest for the Ultimate Manga
by Titan Nerd 68
Summary: Monty Python and the Holy Grail in 100% anime
1. BeginningSciFi Zone

Titan Nerd's Anime Quest for the Ultimate Manga

So, if you can't figure it out, this is _Monty Python and the Holy Grail, _but done completely in anime, with some of my humor in it. Enjoy.

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Scene I: The Beginning (skipping the subtitles. sorry)

Himura Kenshin peddled out of the fog in front of the large mansion. It was from his time, feudal Japan. Sagara Sanosuke followed him, turning an eggbeater as they went. Kenshin had his sword ready should he need it. Sanosuke had everything on his back, and was trying to keep up. He stopped when Kenshin squeezed the hand brake. They looked at the mansion.

"Some important feudal lord must live there," said Kenshin. "Let's ride up for a closer look."

He began biking forward again.

"Hello!" Kenshin shouted. No answer. "C'mon, this is an American dub! I know you understand me!"

"I understand you," Mugen replied. He stuck his head out a window. "What the fuck do you losers want?"

"My name is Himura Kenshin," said Kenshin. "This is my friend Sanosuke. We borrowed a bicycle from a girl from Tokyo, and we plan to return it to her."

"Fuck off," Mugen said without interest.

"It's true," said Sanosuke. "We borrowed the bike, but we also totaled it, so we have to return it and say we're sorry."

"You really did total her bike," said Mugen. "Look at yourself, man. Your bitch is carrying everything on his back and turning a goddamn eggbeater. How the fuck did you end up with an eggbeater?"

"I found it," said Sanosuke. "Not far from here, in fact. Right at the bottom of the hill by the river."

"Stop bullshittin'," said Mugen. "Come on, you guys. This is feudal Japan. I'm pretty sure eggbeaters haven't been invented yet."

"We are fictional characters of a fictional world," said Kenshin. "Besides, in your series, you have beatboxers, you played baseball against Americans, and you edit out the expletives with a DJ scratchpad, so I don't see why finding an eggbeater would be so uncommon."

"So you're saying that an eggbeater can travel through time," said Mugen. "Right."

"I know what I found," said Sanosuke, "And it's this eggbeater."

"Listen, shit-for-brains," Mugen responded, "Eggbeaters just don't exist yet. And you don't even have a bicycle, because you're using the eggbeater to make a bike-like noise. What the fuck is a bicycle, anyway?"

"Never mind that," said Kenshin. "We are currently seeking shelter because night will soon fall. Do you know who lives here?"

"How was the eggbeater when you found it?" asked Mugen, not listening. "Was it clean?"

"No, there was a little bird crap on it," said Sanosuke. "Why?"

"Birds lay eggs, don't they?"

"They do," said Kenshin, "But..."

"But nothing," said Mugen. "Next you'll say some stupid-ass bird dropped the eggbeater there."

"It's possible," said Kenshin. "This is a fictional world."

"It isn't possible," said Mugen.

"I say it is possible," said Kenshin. "A nightingale could very possibly have dropped it by the river."

"Bull shit," said Mugen. "Have you ever seen a nightingale?"

"I have."

"Tiny little fuckers, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are."

"And that eggbeater thing probably is about the same size as a nightingale."

"Your point being?"

"How strong do you think a nightingale is? I've seen those things, and there is no way in hell that a nightingale could lift something that weighs the same as itself."

"That's probably true," said Kenshin. "Now tell me who lives here. Is it you?"

"I don't live here," said Mugen. "I killed its owner and I'm seeing if he has any valuable shit lying around his house."

"How barbaric," said Sanosuke. "Next you'll tell us you kiss your mother with that mouth."

"No, I kiss cheap whores in brothels with this mouth," said Mugen.

"You know, an Asian nightingale might have trouble with an eggbeater," said Jin as he came to the window, "But probably not an African nightingale."

"Oh, yeah, definitely not an Asian nightingale," Mugen agreed, "But I'm pretty sure African nightingales don't leave Africa."

"That's true," said Jin. "So I guess it couldn't bring an eggbeater back to Japan."

"Let's go," Kenshin said to Sanosuke as the two of them left.

"Wait, here's a question," said Mugen. "Could two Asian nightingales carry an eggbeater?"

"They'd have to use a string," said Jin, "Carried in their little claws..."

* * *

Scene II: The Sci-Fi Zone

Sagara Sousuke walked through the military base with Kurz Weber behind him with the cart.

"Used and dead machines!" Sousuke shouted. "Bring out your dead machines!"

"And ladies can bring me used panties!" Kurz shouted with a smile.

"I've got a dead machine," said 009. "Ot at least partly machine."

"I'm not dead!" 002 insisted. "My mechanical components are working just fine. He's doing this so he can have 003 all to himself."

"What's that mean?" Kurz asked. "There's nine total."

"001's a baby," said 009, "And I'm the only adult male cyborg who is straight. He's defective. So how much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe him anything, Joe!" 002 pleaded. "Goddammit, man, I'm not dead!"

"Shut the fuck up, 002," said 009. "If 003 can take off her clothes in front of us and you can't get a boner, you're dead. How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," said Sousuke. "He isn't dead."

"He's dead for the reason I just said," said 009. "I mean, 006 is all gay, and he got it up. 002 is bisexual, and he couldn't get it up."

"006 got it up because you had your ass in his face," said 002. "I'm perfectly healthy and alive."

"You're only fooling these guys because they didn't finish high school," said 009. "Look, can't you just take him off my hands?"

"Not if he's alive," said Kurz. "Look, Joe, we've gotta move on to Dentech pronto. The computer virus is worse than we thought, and just about every Net Navi is affected. Megaman's already become spam."

"Okay," said 009, "But can't you stay another minute? I mean, 002 can't last much longer than this. Wait for it...6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. He's dead."

"I'm not dead, Joe," 002 insisted.

"Yes, Jet, you are," 009 insisted. "Now how much is it?"

"I'm getting better."

"No, you're not."

"If you put me down, I could walk."

"No, you can't," said 009. "Now stop being a baby and die already. Ah, look at that, he's dead."

"No, I'm not," said 002.

"Damn," said 009. "I mean...Look, I know Kurz will be back through here on Thursday. By then, 002 will have found a way to start rotting."

"I don't think he will," said Sousuke. "Look, we're not buying your story because it isn't true."

"Thank you!" said 002. "Now, will Joe please put me down? He's holding me in a way that I can't look anywhere else but at his ass, and I'm starting to get a hard-on, so GAH!"

"Oh, thank you very much," said 009 as he dumped 002 on the cart.

"No problem," said Kurz as he wiped the blood off the back of his pistol. "He was getting on my nerves."

"Right, then," said 009 as he opened his wallet. "So, Kurz, I'll see you Thursday, and Sousuke will be around here when?"

"Tomorrow," said Sousuke as he took 009's money.

"Okay," said 009 as Kenshin and Sanosuke passed by. "Hey, who's that guy?"

"I don't know," said Kurz. "He looked like a samurai."

"Couldn't have been a samurai," said Sousuke. "He had a bitch behind him."

"Well, whoever he was, he was at least someone important," said 009.

"How could you tell?" asked Sousuke.

"He didn't have shit all over him."

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What did you think? Was this an epic fail, or should I keep going? Read and review! Please.


	2. Konohagakure

Titan Nerd's Anime Quest for the Ultimate Manga

The second chapter. If you've seen the original movie, then you know what's happening next. I'm going in the order of the original movie.

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Scene III: Konohagakure

Kenshin and Sanosuke continued on their way to Tokyo. They made their way through Konohagakure, where all the young shinobi seemed to be working.

"Excuse me, old man," Kenshin said as he tapped someone on the shoulder.

"I'm a girl, you ass," said Sakura, turning around.

"Sorry," said Kenshin. "Old girl, could you tell me..."

"I'm a teenager," said Sakura. "I'm nineteen, I'm not old."

"Well, I'm afraid that teenager isn't much to go on," said Kenshin.

"My name is Sakura," said Sakura. "Haruno Sakura."

"Well, okay, Sakura," said Kenshin. "May I have an answer to my question?"

"I don't know," said Sakura. "You haven't asked yet, and you did call me an old man."

"I'm sorry about the old man," said Kenshin. "If you don't mind me saying so, Sakura, you have absolutely no ass. That plus the hair cut short made you look from behind to me an old man. Sorry."

"That doesn't matter," said Sakura. "I am well aware that I'm probably one of the few anime girls intentionally drawn without a great body. My main problem is that you're calling me by my first name."

"Well of course I am," said Kenshin. "I'm Himura Kenshin, and I'm the main character of _Rurouni Kenshin, _which ran from 1994 to 1999, so I'm older than you in terms of series dates and our characters, seeing as I am on the set of _Naruto_."

"Yeah, very nice," said Saukra sarcastically. "So that makes you a classic, doesn't it? The nineties."

"Well, seeing as your series is on its way to being a classic," said Sanosuke, "I don't think you're one to complain."

"Hey, Sakura, I need your help in digging up these plants!" Naruto called. He walked over to her. "Can you help me out over there? Hi. Who the fuck are you two?"

"We are characters from _Rurouni Kenshin," _said Kenshin. "Do you know who lives in that big house over there?"

"Sarutobi the Third Hokage," said Naruto. "Why?"

"I was going to ask him directions to Tokyo," said Kenshin, "But seeing as he's a senile old man who's supposed to be dead, I needn't bother."

"Seeing as you ran into me first," said Sakura, "It now pisses me off that you never thought to ask me for directions."

"Well, you have to remember that I thought you were an old man when I first saw you," said Kenshin.

"Old doesn't necessarily mean senile," said Sakura. "And you still could have asked me once you found out that I'm not an old man."

"True," said Kenshin. "So, can you tell me the way to Tokyo?"

"I've never heard of the place," said Sakura.

"Then there was no point in asking," said Kenshin. "I'm not going to ask you a question, sir..."

"Madam," Sakura corrected.

"Madam," Kenshin continued, "If I don't think you know the answer."

"Well, you never know until you try," said Naruto. "Unless it's eggplant casserole."

"That's probably true," said Kenshin. "So, may I ask why all the ninja are working in the fields around the village instead of doing missions?"

"This is the mission," said Sakura. "We're supposed to be finding Sasuke, but that senile jackass that we have for a Third Hokage is insisting we work in this field."

"And this job in the field is such a drag," said Shikamaru. "Such a fucking drag."

"Everything's a fucking drag to you," said Naruto. "Honestly, Shikamaru, even porn's a drag for you."

"That's because it's just sex," said Shikamaru. "All the porn I watch is a bunch of hard dicks on the screen. Like a guy's never seen his own dick."

"Then try watching porn with vaginas in it," said Sakura. "Honestly, Shikamaru, you're the dumbest smart person around."

"So, how did Sarutobi survive his fight with Orochimaru?" asked Sanosuke.

"He was sick on the day of filming, so Orochimaru killed his stunt double," said Naruto. "Now we're waiting for the real guy to die."

"Unfortunately, we know his death will lead to leadership from Tsunade," said Sakura, "The thought of which is worse than the thought of leadership from Sarah Palin."

"She's dumber than Naruto," Shikamaru said without interest.

"I'm right here, dumb-ass," said Naruto.

"I'm aware that you're right there," said Shikamaru. He stood up, turned away from everyone, and unzipped his pants. "I only said that because it's true. You are an idiot, but Sarah Palin is dumber than you are."

"May I ask why you feel you can urinate in front of me?" asked Kenshin.

"Because my bladder was full," said Shikamaru as he "shook" and zipped up. "When you gotta go, you gotta go."

"I must say I have a problem with another man pissing in front of me," said Sanosuke.

"Shut up," said Shikamaru. "You're his bitch, so you're not supposed to talk."

"Seeing as I am a character from a classic manga series," said Kenshin, "You don't tell us what we are and are not supposed to do."

"A classic?" scoffed Naruto. "What series?"

"_Rurouni Kenshin_," said Kenshin. "That is our series."

"I've never heard of it," said Naruto.

"Well, it is a good storyline," said Kenshin, "One in which a handsome young man named Himura Kenshin (that's me, by the way) meets a hot young woman named Kamiya Kaoru, and has many adventures along the way, finding inner peace at the end and getting laid. That is why my story is a classic."

"One of his adventures is meeting me," said Sanosuke.

"You call that weak-ass story a classic," said Shikamaru. "That story's a bigger drag than this one."

"Well, that's your opinion," said Kenshin. "Do you happen to know the way to Tokyo?"

"I mean," said Shikamaru, "I've read your story. Every fucking volume. And _Make Out Paradise _might be the only bigger waste of time, except the advantage is that it has more pussy in it."

"Yeah, he's right," said Naruto. "I mean, your story flat out sucks more than Ino in a hentai. Can you imagine how boring our series would be if it was about what yours was about?"

"I get the point," said Kenshin. "You don't like my series, and if Naruto has never heard of it, he doesn't know anything about it."

"You just said what it was about," said Naruto, "And it sounds like it sucks. If my story was about how I lived in a dojo because I randomly ran into some piece of twat after a war, I'd put my balls in a paper shredder."

"I get it," said Kenshin with a steady rise of anger. He pulled out his sword. "You can shut the fuck up now."

"Because that would be a much less painful way to lose my manhood."

"At least I get laid at the end," were Kenshin's last words on the situation. He put his sword away and walked away. "Come, Sanosuke. These little pricks don't know the way to Tokyo."

"You should report him," said Sakura.

"Damn right I'm reporting his ass," said Naruto. "That son-of-a-bitch had the nerve to threaten me with his sword."

"It was a reversed sword," said Shikamaru. "He'd have a hard time cutting you with it."

"That bastard uses a reversed sword," said Naruto. "Wow. What a loser. I was threatened by a loser. I mean, if I used two-pointed stars, they'd put me away. No one should use inadequate weapons like that. Listen up, you two. This is between us. I mean, I can't have people knowing I was threatened by a guy with a reversed sword. Did you see him threaten me with a reversed sword? No, I saw him threaten you with a regular sword, Naruto."

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Sorry if I dragged the scene out. Read, drop me a note, and I may respond.


	3. Soul SocietyVatican

Titan Nerd's Anime Quest for the Ultimate Manga

The third chapter. I had a lot of fun coming up with the first part of it. And you know I don't own any characters I lampoon except for random extras.

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Scene IV: Soul Society

As Kenshin and Sanosuke navigated through the Seireitei of the Soul Society, they heard a loud scream.

"If someone is over there," said Sanosuke, "They might be able to help us get to Tokyo."

"Seeing as I am the leader," said Kenshin, "I should be the one to say that. If someone is over there, they might be able to help us get to Tokyo."

"Douchebag," muttered Sanosuke as they came up to the fight. Zaraki Kenpachi was swordfighting Kurosaki Ichigo and winning hands down.

"Bring it, bitch!" Kenpachi challenged as he parried Ichigo's sword stroke. "Is that all you've got?"

"GAH!" Ichigo screamed as Kenpachi kicked him in the balls. He responded by elbowing Kenpachi across the face and punching him in the stomach.

"I'll ask the winner for directions," said Kenshin. "It doesn't look like a good idea to get mixed up with either of these mo-fos."

"Take this!" Ichigo shouted as he brought his blade down. Kenpachi grabbed Ichigo's wrist and twisted it before kneeing him in the stomach and cutting off his head.

"Bum-bum-bum," sang Kenpachi. "Another one bites the dust!"

"Indeed," said Kenshin. "Now I can ask you my question."

"Ask away," Kenpachi said as he wiped his blade clean on his shihakusho.

"Do you know the way to Tokyo?"

"Do I know the way to Tokyo?" Kenpachi asked. "I might. I might not. One thing that I do know is that you won't get a straight answer from me without a fight."

"I don't want to fight you," said Kenshin. "They called me Hitokiri Battōsai for a reason."

"Probably for the same reason they call me Kenpachi," said Kenpachi. He pointed his sword at Kenshin. "Now fight me!"

"I'm not going to fight you," said Kenshin.

"Oh, afraid of getting your ass kicked?"

"No, I'm afraid I'll kick your ass. Can you just tell me the way to Tokyo?"

"I know a way to Tokyo is down that street," said Kenpachi. "You have to get past me to get there."

"So be it." Kenshin drew his sword and held it. "I know this is a reverse blade sword, but the sharpened part can still cut you."

"Excellent," Kenpachi said with a smile. He swung his weapon, but Kenshin parried. Kenpachi kept attacking, and Kenshin kept parrying. "You're not making any effort," Kenpachi said. "I'm not breaking a sweat. C'mon, man, fight me."

"You're asking for it," Kenshin warned.

"I want it," Kenpachi challenged.

"Okay, you asked for it." Kenshin made one well timed cut and sliced off Kenpachi's arm. "There. Suck on it."

"A little premature, ain't it?" Kenpachi asked.

"What, your ejaculation?" Kenshin asked. "This fight is over. I've won it."

"Not yet, you haven't," said Kenpachi. "And you won't win it."

"What the hell does that mean?" Kenshin asked. "I cut your fucking arm off."

"Prove it," Kenpachi laughed.

"It's on the ground in front of you, dumb-ass."

Kenpachi looked at his severed arm on the ground. "Oh, yeah, it is. Nice! You cut me! First time in a long time someone's ever touched me."

"Great," said Kenshin. "I hope I never see you again. C'mon, Sanosuke."

"You're not going anywhere," said Kenpachi. "This motherfucker's just getting started!"

"I told you," said Kenshin. "I...Holy shit!" He held up his sword just in time. "The fight is mine."

"It's not over!" Kenpachi screamed. He ran forward and Kenshin cut off his other arm.

"It is now," said Kenshin. "Come on, Sanosuke. Let's get the hell out of here-oof!"

"You're not going anywhere!" Kenpachi laughed as he kicked Kenshin in the stomach. "You can cut my arms off, but that's when I'm gettin' started, bitch!"

"I see that you like to fight," said Kenshin, "But it's over, so fuck off!"

"Oh, come on," said Kenpachi. "Get the sand out of your pussy and be a man!"

"You can't fight me without your arms, you stupid prick," said Kenshin, growing annoyed.

"Yes, I can," said Kenpachi. He moved his leg to kick Kenshin in the crotch, but lost that leg as Kenshin moved his sword. "Okay, that was unfair, samurai boy. Get your ass over here." He hopped forward and "slammed" into Kenshin.

"If you try and hit me with your penis, I'll cut that off, too," said Kenshin.

"Oh, go ahead and try it!" Kenpachi challenged. "I dare ya!"

"Fine," said Kenshin. He swung his sword, but missed Kenpachi's penis and cut off his other leg instead. "Oh, I did that on purpose, by the way. Come, Sanosuke."

"It's not over!" Kenpachi screamed. He found a way to lunge forward and bite Kenshin's ankle.

"You don't know when to quit, do you?" asked Kenshin.

"I don't wanna stop!" Kenpachi shouted. "Now take this like a man!"

"Fuck off," Kenshin said as he cut off Kenpachi's head.

"Oh, I see," said Kenpachi. "You think you're so special because you dismembered me! Well, listen up, bitch boy! You're not special at all! You're another piece of shit walking this world, and I'm letting you know it! Don't ignore me, you cocksuckers! Get back here so I can find a way to bite your balls off!"

* * *

Scene V: The Vatican

"We have a witch for you, Father Nightroad!" a man shouted. "Can we burn her?"

"You say you have a witch?" Abel asked. "What fun! We can play Salem here. Who's our pretend witch?"

"Esther's a real witch!" the man shouted.

"I'm not a witch, Father!" Esther pleaded.

"Well, you're wearing what witches stereotypically wear," said Abel. "And I know that's not your real nose, but that is your cat."

"They dressed me up like this," said Esther. "And this isn't my cat, it's one that looks just like mine."

"Well, can we all hold on for a second?" Abel asked. "I'm conducting an experiment. As you can see, I have in one hand a nightingale. A European one. In the other hand is an eggbeater. Now, fly, my bird!" Abel released bird and eggbeater. As soon as both were released, the bird fell to the ground instantly. "Oh, well. I thought I had something there. Okay, now for the situation on my hands. Can anyone prove Sister Esther is a witch?"

"I can," said Father Tres. "She turned me into a mechanical wind-up frog."

"A wind-up frog?" asked Abel.

"I was reprogrammed," Tres answered after a brief pause. "Do we still have permission to burn Esther?"

"No," said Abel.

"Thank you, Father," Esther gasped in relief.

"Not yet," said Abel. "Think about this. What else is burned besides witches?"

"I don't know," said one of the men who spoke before. "Hamburgers?"

"Yes, if a bad cook is at the grill," said Abel. "What else burns? And don't say sinners."

"You've got me," said the man. "Does anyone have any idea as to what burns?"

"Oil!" Kenshin shouted. "Oil burns very easily."

"It does," said Abel. "And so witches burn because...?"

"They have oil instead of blood," the second man reasoned. "Cut her wrist and see if her blood can power a car!"

"But it would come out red," said the first man. "She's a witch, so she'll use her magic to make her blood look red."

"Think of oil's relation with water," said Abel. "What happens when you pour oil into water?"

"The oil dissolves!" a third man shouted, earning a smack upside the head from a guy next to him.

"Oil floats on water!" Sanosuke shouted.

"It does," said Abel. "If Sister Esther is equal in weight to oil, then she will float on water, thus having oil for blood, thus being flammable, thus being a witch."

"You're kidding, right?" Esther asked with some annoyance.

The crowd of men thought for a long time about Abel's logic. They eventually decided to agree with him.

"Okay," Abel said excitedly. "I happen to have a large scale and a barrel of oil. Put Sister Esther on the scale!" They dumped Esther on the scale. "Put the oil on the scale!" They put the steel oil barrel on the scale. "Now remove the supports!" They did as they were told. As soon as both supports were gone, Esther went flying up in the air as the oil barrel crashed to the ground. A fireball jumped out of it and started running around the area. Esther fell on the fireball, and it instantly went from being a Li'l Sparky to a Hothead.

"That settles it," said a man. "Who would have thought Sister Esther was a witch?"

"It disappoints me, too," said Abel. "But a big thumbs up to our two scientists. What are your names, my friends?"

"I am Himura Kenshin, and this is my friend Sagara Sanosuke," said Kenshin. "As we have helped you, would you be so kind as to help us get to Tokyo?"

"I have to fly there in an hour," said Abel. "I would be more than happy to bring you along with me."

And so it began. On the way to Tokyo, Himura Kenshin the Unlikely Leader and Father Abel Nightroad the Vampire Priest, who became BFFs, met many other great friends to join them. Friends such as Urameshi Yusuke the Punk, Sohma Ayame the Homosexual, and Usopp the Bullshitter (who admits to having a phobia of the Goldfish Bigger Than Your Hand, who has a vendetta with his own shadow, and who is also a chronic masturbator). This production of Titan Nerd Studios will also have a cameo appearance by the aptly named Rob Schneider.

* * *

Tune in sometime next time for the next part! Read and review!


	4. TokyoImpolite People

Titan Nerd's Anime Quest for the Ultimate Manga

The fourth chapter. I only own extras. If you don't agree with the guy I used as God, that's your opinion.

* * *

Scene VI: Tokyo

"We have made it, my friends," Kenshin said to his group. "We have reached Tokyo. Now Sanosuke and I can return the bike to the girl."

"One problem," Ayame. "You totaled the bike. How are you going to explain it."

"You should tell her the truth," said Abel. "God will forgive you no matter what you do, but the truth is always best."

"Flip her skirt," said Yusuke. "She'll forget about the bike and get angry at your perversion. That's how I always distracted Keiko."

"I've got the best idea," said Usopp. "Leave it to me."

They walked down the streets of Tokyo, each main man having his own bitch turning an eggbeater as they rode their "bikes" through the city.

"This is the place," said Kenshin. "Okay, Usopp, you said you had the best idea. Let's see it."

Usopp rang the bell. He waited for a minute. A girl came to the door.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Uh, yes," said Kenshin. "I'm sure you remember me and Sanosuke. We borrowed your bike. But we sadly totaled it."

"It's my fault," said Usopp. "See, Kenshin and I go way back. To the eighties. And he was riding your bike to the bar. I met him on the way, and he gave me a ride. But on the way, we were mugged by a magician who had fused himself up with a black guy and a fat thing that we couldn't determine the gender for. They took the bike, and while Kenshin and I fought as bravely as we could, we failed and the monster ran away with your bike. I ran up to confront it, but the bike got caught in the crossfire. I took a picture of the situation and brought it to Kenshin. But fear not, I fought that monster trio bravely and kicked the fucker's ass, as my name is Usopp!"

"I could smell the shit as soon as you opened your mouth," the girl said. "Now tell me the truth, Kenshin. What the hell did you do to my bike?"

"That is the truth," said Kenshin. "You have to remember that I'm a fictional character. Anything can happen in my world. Oh, by the way, Usopp, the fat thing was an ugly-ass woman. If you can picture a man with a vagina that's not Rosie O'Donnell, you have the giant woman in the monster we saw."

"I don't believe you, Kenshin," said the girl. "I don't fucking believe you! I was a big fan of your series from day 1! It's a classic! And I got wet when I heard you were going to be at Zenkaikon! I went there just so you could sign my ass (I still have those jeans, by the way) and you asked to borrow my bike! I knew I shouldn't have given it to you!"

"I needed the bike," said Kenshin. "I was in a place where everyone went everywhere by bike. You even had to go to the bathroom by bicycle. I needed at the moment. I knew where I could find you, because I have the info for all three _Rurouni Kenshin _fans. I was going to return your bike, but it got wrecked. I'm sorry."

"Sorry won't buy me a new fucking bike," said the girl.

"Um, I am a churchman," said Abel.

"I don't give a shit if you're the pope," said the girl. "That bastard destroyed my best bike, and I'll have to do something about it."

"Yeah, so that went over pretty well," said Sanosuke. "Usopp, we're not taking any more advice from you."

"Sorry," said Usopp. "I tried."

"You failed," said Kenshin. "But at least I squared this. Well, my friends, this may be goodbye. I appreciate you joining me and Sanosuke on this little quest."

"You are wrong, Kenshin," a voice spoke. Everyone looked up as Akira Toriyama appeared. "I have a new quest for you."

"Holy shit!" Kenshin said. "You're the great Akira Toriyama!"

"Yes, I am," said Akira. "I am here to tell you that you are to search for the Ultimate Manga. Once you find it, bring it to me at my house."

"Wait, we can't do that," said Yusuke. "We're manga characters and you're in the real world. They made thirty something laws about that after A-Ha."

"Laws were made to be broken," said Akira. "And you're in the real world now. Return to the manga world and find the Ultimate Manga. I await your return." He disappeared.

"We have been given a mission by the man himself," said Kenshin. "And it's already been established that I'm the unlikely leader, so I shall lead you. Abel, you are my sidekick. Let us bike forth and find the Ultimate Manga!

* * *

Scene VII: Impolite People

"I think someone may live in that castle," said Usopp. "Let's see if they're home."

"Let's hope there's at least one sexy man in there," said Ayame.

"Hello!" Kenshin shouted. "If you haven't already been dubbed, read the subtitles!"

"We're here!" Bo-bobo called. He came out wearing armor like a knight. "I am Sir Bobo, knight of the pentagonal table. What can I do for you?"

"If you are a knight," Kenshin called, "I will need to speak with your lord!"

"I'll get him!" Bo-bobo shouted. He went down, then came back as his regular self. "Yeah, what do you guys want?"

"You're the same person," commented Abel.

"No, I am Lord Bobo," said Bo-bobo. "I was fetched by Sir Bobo the knight. Now what do you want?"

"Well, anyway," said Kenshin, "We are on a quest for the Ultimate Manga. Night is about to fall, so I was wondering if you would be kind enough to offer us shelter for the night? In return, you may join us on our quest."

"Out of the question!" Bo-bobo laughed. "I already have an Ultimate Manga! And it's a porno!"

"Awesome!" shouted Yusuke. "Do I get laid in it?"

"Yes, you all do!" Bo-bobo said. He leaned down and whispered to Poppa Rox and Jelly Jiggler, "I didn't tell him it's a yaoi." The three of them shared a laugh.

"Is that true?" asked Usopp. "Do you really have an Ultimate Manga in which I get laid?"

"He can't," said Ayame. "Remember, Akira Toriyama said that we are to find _the _Ultimate Manga. This guy's a liar."

"I heard that!" Bo-bobo shouted. "Listen up, fruity boy! You're just a banana in the apple barrel of life. You don't know your up from the moon! Your mother's a slightly wrinkled pair of slacks, and your father is your mother! And your sister is a hermaphrodite, and your brother has a nice vagina! So there!" He flipped two fingers at them and his afro turned into a penis. "Dildo brains!"

"This is clearly not the way we want to negotiate," said Abel. "Mr. Bo-bobo, why don't you come down from there or let us into your castle and the Lord can help us work something out."

"Think your hokey religion will make me change my mind," said Bo-bobo. "This is what I think of your religion!" He turned around, bent over, and dropped his pants. A cuckoo popped out of his ass eight times. "Eight o'clock. Time for me to go to bed."

"Not until you help us," said Kenshin. "We have been more than reasonable with you. Are you going to help us or not?"

"I don't help stupid samurai wannabes from pussy series!" Bo-bobo shouted. "I mean, you Kenshin, your series is so bad my series didn't want to parody it! And Usopp, you're just a pussy bullshitter! You can't fool me, because you can't bullshit a bullshitter! And Yusuke, you're just a dumb piece of piss who doesn't know anything about nothing!"

"What the hell was that about?" asked Yusuke. "You want to fight me, asshole? I'll beat the shit out of your ass so hard you'll think I'm a fucking laxative. Max power! Here goes the Rei Gun!" He aimed up at Bo-bobo, but his concentration was broken when Bo-bobo in a cow suit fell out of the sky and landed on Kuwabara. "Hey, only I'm allowed to mistreat my bitch!"

"He's right," said Kenshin. He drew his sword. "Charge! Tear them apart!"

They charged forward, trying to overcome random crap ranging from pillows to live tarantulas to schoolgirls to dead hobos. The assault was so bad that Kenshin had to order his party to retreat.

"I have an idea as to how to defeat them," said Usopp.

"I'm not listening to it," said Kenshin.

"I have an idea," said Abel.

Bo-bobo looked around. He heard the noises, but couldn't tell where they were hiding. He shrugged and started playing with a stapler when he heard the noise again. He saw the giant rabbit go up to the castle.

"That could be problematic," he thought. "My nails are all broken now! Dammit!"

"So, what's your plan again, Abel?" asked Kenshin.

"Yusuke, Ayame, Usopp, you, and I," said Abel, "We leap out of the rabbit when they bring it into the castle." He looked up from their hiding spot. "Oh, good, they're taking the rabbit into the castle now. Prepare for the surprise attack."

"Wait, wait, wait," said Usopp. "Who's hiding in the rabbit again?"

"Me," said Abel, "Kenshin, you, Ayame, and Yusuke. They've brought the rabbit into the castle, so we are to now...Wait, for this to work, we're supposed to be in the rabbit. If we're here, and the rabbit's in there...Oops. Sorry."

"If you weren't a priest," said Kenshin, "I think I would punch you."

"Well, I think we have enough time to build a giant wooden pickle," said Ayame. "How does that idea sound? You know I like it."

"Yes, we know," said Kenshin. He stood up. "I suppose we'll have to try another frontal...Holy shit!" He ducked. Sanosuke stood up and got crushed under the giant wooden rabbit. "Okay, let's just move on."

* * *

There will be more. When you're sick at home, you have more free time.


	5. Usopp's Journey

Titan Nerd's Anime Quest for the Ultimate Manga

The fifth chapter. I only own extras. This one was a little hard to write. Personally, the historian kinda bores me, so I'm leaving him out.

* * *

Scene VIII: Usopp's Journey

After the embarrassing defeat at the hands of Bo-bobo, Kenshin decided that it would be best for everyone to split up and get some idea as to where they could find the Ultimate Manga. Kenshin and Abel headed north from Bo-bobo's castle, Yusuke went east, Ayame went south, and Usopp would have gone west, but that was the way they came to get to Bo-bobo's castle, so he closed his eyes and randomly ran one way, his pirate crew behind him. They went through the woods, Usopp's pirates singing songs to boost their captain's spirits.

"He's the best!" sang Onion.

"Usopp!" sang Pepper and Carrot.

"He beat the rest!"

"Usopp!"

"He's never scared!"

"Usopp!"

"He'll do anything that you dare!"

"Usopp!"

"Who's the man?"

"Usopp!"

"With the plan?"

"Usopp!"

"That's quite enough, guys," said Usopp. "I'm getting the impression we're coming to a dangerous part of the woods."

"This isn't a woodland, it's a desert," said Onion.

"Titan Nerd Studios couldn't afford a woodland scene, so this is being filmed right in the desert," said Usopp. "Not my decision."

"Never is your decision!" a voice shouted. Usopp jumped out of his skin as he was confronted by a monster. It was a combination of two men and a very fat woman.

"Whoa!" Usopp shouted. He fell to the ground. "Um, hi. I'm Usopp, and I lead a group of two thousand men. We seek the Ultimate Manga. Do you know where it might be found?"

"NO!" shouted the man in the middle. He was wearing a top hat and smiling weirdly. "There is no Ultimate Manga! Only regular manga!"

"No," said the black man on the left. "There is an Ultimate Manga. I've seen it with my own eyes. It exists!"

"Shut up, both of you," said the woman on the right. "I don't know about no Ultimate Manga, and I don't care."

"Well, if you can't help me," said Usopp, "I'll be on my way."

"No, you won't!" all three heads shouted.

"You have no way," said the black man.

"There is no way," said the woman.

"So give up," said the man in the hat. "It's smartest."

"Not like you," said the woman. "Nice spell, Balmunk, fusing us together."

"I messed up, okay," said Balmunk. "Give me a break."

"You're damn lucky you don't have anything to break," said Pownder. "You didn't mess up, you fucked up. I've gotta jack off your little dick now."

"That was you jacking us off every night?" Shackaboon demanded.

"Well, I've got no arms," said Balmunk, "So he'd have to do it."

"You guys are so disgusting," said Shackaboon.

"Well, you're ugly," said Pownder.

"You're lucky you're not next to this bitch," said Balmunk.

"Who's a bitch?" Shackaboon asked.

"You are."

"Yeah, well, you've got bad breath."

"That's true," said Pownder.

"Oh, your breath is worse than mine, pyro," said Balmunk. "I'd fire you (no pun intended) if you weren't attached to me."

"And I'd quit if I weren't attached to you walking imperfections," Pownder retorted.

"Who are you calling an imperfection?" asked Shackaboon.

"You're a hermaphrodite, I think that says enough," said Pownder.

"That's true," said Balmunk.

"Uh, anything about the Ultimate Manga?" Usopp carefully and awkwardly asked.

"SHUT UP!" all three yelled at him.

"Okay," said Usopp as he turned to leave.

"Wait, I recognize this guy," said Pownder. He reached out and grabbed Usopp by the ankle. "Yeah. You're that guy. Hey, Balmunk, you got the bike?"

"Shackaboon, reach into my hat and get the bike, will you?" Balmunk asked.

"I can't reach it," said Shackaboon.

"All right, I'll get it myself," said Balmunk. He grew a hand from his head and took off his hat.

"If you can do that," asked Pownder, "Why am I always jacking us off?"

"Shut up and don't argue with my logic," said Balmunk. He pulled out a totaled bike and set it on the ground. "Here's your bike, buddy! Go ride it!"

"I will," said Usopp. Pownder dropped him, and Usopp grabbed the bike and staggered away as fast as he could, dragging the bike behind him.

"You know masturbation's a sin, right?" Shackaboon asked.

"Fuck off," said Pownder. "You don't think for this side."

"You don't think at all," said Balmunk.

"Oh, so you're siding with the one who keeps pleasuring you!" said Shackaboon. "Which of us has been with you longer?"

"Hey, Captain," said Pepper. "Why did you run away?"

"Because they're anything but helpful," said Usopp.

"We're going back the way we came," said Onion.

"CUT!" Charles walked onto the set. "Come on, Usopp, you're supposed to sneak past them while they're arguing."

"I don't give a shit," said Usopp. "We've done this scene twenty-eight times. I'm through."

"Yeah, I second that one," said Carrot. "Somebody give me a coffee."

* * *

Read later for the next tale.


End file.
